Same conflict, different worlds
Imagine a family discussing a recurring conflict. One parent describes the situation in clear facts and chronological order: what happened when, who said what. The other parent describes the same situation as a feeling: the heaviness in the room, the tension, the unspoken. The child remembers an image: the crossed arms, the gaze out the window.
All three describe the same moment – yet their versions sound as if they experienced different events. None of them is wrong. But without awareness that people perceive and store situations fundamentally differently, the impression arises that the other is distorting reality.
Why family systems need different approaches
In individual counselling, I can fully adapt to one person's way of perceiving. In couples or family counselling, people with different approaches sit side by side – and all need a pathway that works for them. If I only work through language, I reach the person who thinks in words. The person who thinks in images stays outside. Methodological diversity is therefore not a luxury – it's a matter of accessibility and fairness.
A small experiment for home
If you'd like to try: ask a friend or your partner whether letters or numbers have a colour for them. Whether the word "Tuesday" feels blue or the letter A looks red. The answers can be surprising.
Or ask someone to imagine an island. Some people instantly see a detailed picture – palms, sand, ocean. Others see nothing but can imagine the sound of waves or the feeling of warm sand. Still others think of the concept of an island – abstract, without imagery, but with clear meaning.
Now transfer this to a family conflict: if one partner primarily stores images from an argument – the facial expression, the gesture, the closed door – and the other primarily stores words – what was said and what wasn't – then both talk about the same fight from completely different memories.
Injuries need the right approach
With deep injuries – a breach of trust, a contact breakdown, a long-buried hurt – words alone often aren't enough. Some injuries sit in the body, not the head. Some conflicts become clearer when represented spatially – with figures, a constellation, or a sketch on paper.
In counselling, I choose the method not by textbook, but by what the people in front of me need. What matters is that the content doesn't just get said – it arrives. For everyone in the system.
"Diversity begins in our own minds. How we think, feel and perceive is as varied as the people in our family systems. Responding to that isn't a method – it's an attitude."
If you're curious which approach works for you and your family system – try it out.